I think deeply about things going on in the present, past, and sometimes even future. I often drift off during work or class and start thinking about other things. I always hide my thoughts from my friends, and it often takes a poke or a snap of the fingers to bring me back to reality. My eyes often portray a different personality than what i am. My eyes are a different part of my soul.
I:
Love to chat (when i'm comfortable & bored)
Love those who loves me (seriously i do... if you messed it, then you are gone...)
Don't usually lie or pretend unless it is necessary
Treats friends importantly
Am always making friends (or at least try to)
Am easily hurt, but recover easily...
Am bad tempered (seriously, i am... dont mess with me...)
Am a daydreamer
Don't care what other thinks or do i? haha
Am emotional
Am undecisive
Have strong clairvoyance ???
Love to travel, the arts and literature
Am soft-spoken, loving and caring
Am romantic (in a way...)
Am touchy and easily jealous (so true!!!)
Am spendthrift and easily influenced (wow... right on point)
Easily lose confidence (ka-ching!)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
California Adventures
let's just say things were A-ok! no speeding tickets, no accidents (although we almost died once with one last minute turn, but we are fine!!!), no arguments... i'm surprised to say that i like traveling! i always thought i wasnt that kind of person that would like to go places cuz im a boring person in general. oh one thing i dont like is going shopping... i dont think im a shopping person. but i dont mind going to browse around. it was nice in general to explore the Vacaville premium outlets, simi valley town center, beverly center mall, & i dont remember the rest hahah. this is so bad, the highlight of my summer so far and i dont remember what i did! horrible me.i think i've made a goal for myself when i grow older... to travel around the world... or most of the places that i would want to go to... before i have a child because having one would totally tie me down forever and i wont get the freedom to explore! it would be nice to have a husband by then too. but no child! (notice i said child not children, i dont want more than one kid) hahah.
but yea six flags was awesome! i thought it would be horrible and i was scared of getting sick after the first ride, but i endured it until the end! got a little lightheaded... haha. but i'll show you what flying is all about! and please excuse me for my choice of words/language at the time... it was not necessary but i couldnt help it. haha
After a day of crazy excitement (the next day), we cooled it down to shopping and sight seeing the famous tourist attraction frenzy of CA. As noobs, we spontaneously drove and walked all over the area: Rodeo Drive, Hollywood Blvd, Melrose, Sunset, Beverly, etc.... Also we visited a nice cute cafe called Coupa Cafe and also Crumbs Bake Shop (a cupcake place).
we went to the Santa Monica Pier just in time to see the sunset! it was beautiful! the pier itself had a lot of stuff to do: the arcade, Carousel, a roller coaster, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company (which we wanted to try but we were full ish), also there were artists on the side painting pictures, carving sculptures, people filming and so on. it was so cool! i wanted to do one, but too many people were there. we dont see this all the time in portland, even in downtown! i wanted to explore more but we didnt have time! it would be nice to go down to LA again, and this tiime stay a little longer!so during my trip i realized a lot of things. we all are different. haha.
AN EXCERPT: (from my phone blogging during the trip... haha)
"ok what i feel right now. happy on the ouside, but sad in the inside. why? i dont know. that thing i've been searching for... i still havent found. maybe it wont take a few weeks for me. some wait a lifetime i might be one of them. nothing better than spending w/ the people you love. the past few days were awesome. it might happen again it might not. we cant foretell the future. we have to take it by the day. be in the moment. who knows i might die at any moment. it is sad. but we cant be sad forever. at some point we need to move on like how i need to move on with stuff like my dad, friends, my mistakes and stop over thinking things. theres no time to waste with being sad. happiness is hard to find. we need to search or dig for it. someone once told me that we only get better after our mistakes or when we are broken really hard. the getting back up or the learning from the mistakes is the process that only time and will will determine?" our growth? our knowledge in life? wisdom? haha i dont know what i was saying....but i think this makes sense in a way.... ehhh...
there are so many questions that i want answered.... but no one can answer it... because when they do... i dont know if it is real/true or are they lies? digression is also in there... which i kinda hate. *sigh* oh the complexity of life.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
reflections.
what is done is done. nothing can be changed.
why be sad? why keep painful memories? is it worth it?
it would only slow you down and prevent you from growing up.
things come and go. things happen for a reason.
flowers die when the weather is bad. they grow when they have enough nutrients.
everything is manifested in a way.
communication is the key to everything.
withholding things inside wont help for long. it would only build up.
who knows when that build up will blow up. which is harmful to everyone around you.
am i afraid of being judged? partly, but that's only about 2% of the problem.
then why dont i? i think it's because i dont know myself yet. i dont know how i feel. i dont know what i am feeling? am i really happy or am i sad? am i happy even though i think i am? getting to know myself is the number one thing on my list right now. i wont go anywhere if i dont know myself... it's been one day. and i think i am making progesss...
thank you (someone special who has enlightened me with things i've never thought of. it feels nice to talk, have silences, hugs & all the little things you say makes me feel better about myself, a lot of burden has gone off my shoulders, i can feel less tension from my muscles... haha!) anywho thank you.
im trying to reach that epiphany, the sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something. who knows, it might take me a couple of days, or maybe even a couples of years... but i will someday.... but with the help i'm getting, i'll get there faster!
ok. enough with the reflection of the week...
PS... walking a dog, going to a park, playing ball with a dog can get emotional & intense! haha. my fear of dogs has been decreased... maybe it's just this one...
why be sad? why keep painful memories? is it worth it?
it would only slow you down and prevent you from growing up.
things come and go. things happen for a reason.
flowers die when the weather is bad. they grow when they have enough nutrients.
everything is manifested in a way.
communication is the key to everything.
withholding things inside wont help for long. it would only build up.
who knows when that build up will blow up. which is harmful to everyone around you.
am i afraid of being judged? partly, but that's only about 2% of the problem.
then why dont i? i think it's because i dont know myself yet. i dont know how i feel. i dont know what i am feeling? am i really happy or am i sad? am i happy even though i think i am? getting to know myself is the number one thing on my list right now. i wont go anywhere if i dont know myself... it's been one day. and i think i am making progesss...
thank you (someone special who has enlightened me with things i've never thought of. it feels nice to talk, have silences, hugs & all the little things you say makes me feel better about myself, a lot of burden has gone off my shoulders, i can feel less tension from my muscles... haha!) anywho thank you.
im trying to reach that epiphany, the sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something. who knows, it might take me a couple of days, or maybe even a couples of years... but i will someday.... but with the help i'm getting, i'll get there faster!
ok. enough with the reflection of the week...
PS... walking a dog, going to a park, playing ball with a dog can get emotional & intense! haha. my fear of dogs has been decreased... maybe it's just this one...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
HECTIC --- UPCOMING EVENTS!
Ok I just realized there are a lot of events coming up that I need to get on top of things!
This Saturday, 6/6/09, the uncle is coming home from VN. that means there might be some rules to go by if he wants to look after us. but other than that, i should stilll be free as a bird!
Sunday, 6/7/09, The Holy Trinity Dinner. I need to find something black to wear with a RED TIE! that is so random, why a red tie?!?! i swear, i hate formal stuff. man if i cant find anything by this saturday, i am screwed! All of you people out there should buy tickets for this dinner to help raise money for our cause. which includes having some of our members go to VN to help the kids who are in need of... help. I dont know much about this, but i will do some research and get to this...
Moving on, Friday, 6/12/09, the trip to seattle for one day/night. *sigh* uhhh i dont know about this yet. still pondering if i should go or not.
Sunday, 6/14/09, my sister's Graduation for sunday school.... which ruins my schedule for my trip to San Fran/LA (six flags). i would most likely pick my sisters thing cuz its like a one in a lifetime thing.... *sigh* but we will see on the final plan...
wednesday, 6/17/09, welcome back party for mi madres! *sigh*
Saturday, 6/20/09, THE WEDDING! which i stilll need to go shop for... (2 lame dresses+ACCESSORIES!!!)
it's so lame how everything (these plans/events) had to be during those days..... lameness. if only it was spread out... *sigh*
This Saturday, 6/6/09, the uncle is coming home from VN. that means there might be some rules to go by if he wants to look after us. but other than that, i should stilll be free as a bird!
Sunday, 6/7/09, The Holy Trinity Dinner. I need to find something black to wear with a RED TIE! that is so random, why a red tie?!?! i swear, i hate formal stuff. man if i cant find anything by this saturday, i am screwed! All of you people out there should buy tickets for this dinner to help raise money for our cause. which includes having some of our members go to VN to help the kids who are in need of... help. I dont know much about this, but i will do some research and get to this...
Moving on, Friday, 6/12/09, the trip to seattle for one day/night. *sigh* uhhh i dont know about this yet. still pondering if i should go or not.
Sunday, 6/14/09, my sister's Graduation for sunday school.... which ruins my schedule for my trip to San Fran/LA (six flags). i would most likely pick my sisters thing cuz its like a one in a lifetime thing.... *sigh* but we will see on the final plan...
wednesday, 6/17/09, welcome back party for mi madres! *sigh*
Saturday, 6/20/09, THE WEDDING! which i stilll need to go shop for... (2 lame dresses+ACCESSORIES!!!)
it's so lame how everything (these plans/events) had to be during those days..... lameness. if only it was spread out... *sigh*
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
one more thing to add...
REMEMBER, LIFE IS NOT BORING [no matter how boring you think your life is]. Life is full of adventure, whether you do nothing or travel around, it's all in your mind and it depends on you to make things happen. ok i think i'm being a little corny with my blogging today... haha enjoy the rest of the day.
~A New Beginning~
Ok, I finally reached that point... the point of... sanitation (realization)... what i should do to sanitize everything (it didn't take me that long, as you can see).
I shouldn't be spreading more germs @ anyone. if it should be at anyone, that anyone should be me. I can't prevent germs from spreading in general, but i can find alternatives to reduce them from spreading. putting hand sanitizer on would help but it wont solve the problem for long because there are still germs underneath the deepest part of the skin. the only way to get into those cracks is to turn into a small little good bug like a...macrophage and climbs through those mountains of valleys and hills & fight in the territories of dead skin cells and warriors of the Tox Clan! Walking & looking around on the surface is nothing compare to the inner surface of things, which is all the adventure and deepest secret chambers are hiding at.
so what i am saying is, there is no time for me to do harm or spread germs to others. i need to find ways to prevent them and be versatile with those germs instead because there are too many out there already hidden, it's only in a matter of time, when they will [all] come out. So there is no point for me to decrease the lifespan of the leukocytes anymore. if the immune system collapses, i would be gone. so it is best for me to get along with the germs somehow...
i know there are no right or wrong ways of doing it. but when it happens, it happens. spontaneity! oh i love that word, free energy!
But back to the point, being mad only makes the problem(s) more difficult to deal with or more awkward and nothing will get accomplished with these things in the way.
So i hereby, announce to those who are reading this that i will become a better &happy person & will try to not act rashly and do things out of emotion/feelings [too often because it will hurt me in the end].
i ask for forgiveness for being so random/out of the blue like this [sometimes or a lot]
it usually doesn't happen like this though, mostly in my mind, but i just wanted you guys to know who i really am and what i think most of the time. i think it is easier than having me tell you in person with random thoughts floating in my head here and there & i get nervous about what i should say or how to say it and then i forget stuff and usually it ends up not going anywhere & you either get frustrated/irritated with that always happening. so i think Blogging would be a better way.
well, back to work!
PS... i wont go back to facebook for awhile. but if you know me well enough, you know i will be updating this a lot and also twitter will inform you if this is updated or not... but most of the friends dont have twitter! But anywho, i hope this is the last of my emo days. life cant be like this all the time, so i will try to make this a cool & awesome BLOG!!! haha
I shouldn't be spreading more germs @ anyone. if it should be at anyone, that anyone should be me. I can't prevent germs from spreading in general, but i can find alternatives to reduce them from spreading. putting hand sanitizer on would help but it wont solve the problem for long because there are still germs underneath the deepest part of the skin. the only way to get into those cracks is to turn into a small little good bug like a...macrophage and climbs through those mountains of valleys and hills & fight in the territories of dead skin cells and warriors of the Tox Clan! Walking & looking around on the surface is nothing compare to the inner surface of things, which is all the adventure and deepest secret chambers are hiding at.
so what i am saying is, there is no time for me to do harm or spread germs to others. i need to find ways to prevent them and be versatile with those germs instead because there are too many out there already hidden, it's only in a matter of time, when they will [all] come out. So there is no point for me to decrease the lifespan of the leukocytes anymore. if the immune system collapses, i would be gone. so it is best for me to get along with the germs somehow...
i know there are no right or wrong ways of doing it. but when it happens, it happens. spontaneity! oh i love that word, free energy!
But back to the point, being mad only makes the problem(s) more difficult to deal with or more awkward and nothing will get accomplished with these things in the way.
So i hereby, announce to those who are reading this that i will become a better &happy person & will try to not act rashly and do things out of emotion/feelings [too often because it will hurt me in the end].
i ask for forgiveness for being so random/out of the blue like this [sometimes or a lot]
it usually doesn't happen like this though, mostly in my mind, but i just wanted you guys to know who i really am and what i think most of the time. i think it is easier than having me tell you in person with random thoughts floating in my head here and there & i get nervous about what i should say or how to say it and then i forget stuff and usually it ends up not going anywhere & you either get frustrated/irritated with that always happening. so i think Blogging would be a better way.
well, back to work!
PS... i wont go back to facebook for awhile. but if you know me well enough, you know i will be updating this a lot and also twitter will inform you if this is updated or not... but most of the friends dont have twitter! But anywho, i hope this is the last of my emo days. life cant be like this all the time, so i will try to make this a cool & awesome BLOG!!! haha
Monday, June 1, 2009
32 ʎɐp
wow a whole month of summer has gone by! fast, yet slow!
many things going through my mind so many that my thoughts are disoriented. they are flying everywhere, bumping to one another, making it hard for me to have a clear & concise ideal/mind/conscious, consistent is the other C, but i think consistence is not a problem that i have right now.
it is hard for me to say no, to be "away" from the people i love, and to speak what is on my mind. blogging is an interesting way; it is like writing in my diary/journey, but with people reading it, i hope. i know not everyone would go and search for this, and i dont expect that, but i will let some know that i have one, so they know what is on my mind since i just deactivated my facebook. i know that will be the only way for me to temporarily quit facebook until i'm ready to go back into the lame world.
why am i doing this you might say... it wasn't because i had no one to hang out with that night, i'm not even sure what the reason is... i know i dont have much friends, more like acquaintances, there are only a couple of people that i would go crazy if they weren't in my life. & i know that it would be the same for the rest of my life. like i said, it is hard for me to let go...
but as of right now, i'm letting go. i'm done with being there for people, listening to them, trying my best to give them advice or more like stupid opinions in which they never seem to listen to which makes me think that i have no voice or should i say i play no part in their lives. what's the point of me being there?
i know i can be nice, but just once, i want to be mean. there are times when i can say mean things, but it wasnt from the heart, it was frustration/irritation/confusion/etc... mean things are never from the heart. gay & lame things are. once in awhile, it would be nice to get some feedback. if you know what i mean....
sometimes, things can never be the way it used to be. but it can if we make it happen. just letting it be is not enough. but it doesnt matter, as long as we are all happy.
one more thing i would like to say... i hate being the third wheel. in the past a lot of bad things happened. friendships didnt go too well, heartbroken & hurtful things broke out. i cant help it but to stay away. so dont be surprised. it's not your problem, it is my problem. i just need to learn how to deal with it first. (the fact that my friends are growing up and being in a relationship with someone & moving on with their lives!)
well, that is that. i need to learn how to forgive myself first before i can move on. Again, none of this is the fault of my friends. it's just me & my internal problems... like bottling up my feelings and exploding it all at once. which i think this is it. BUT this explosion is still internally. with me taking a break from the friends, it is hard for me to express everything, but it is ok because i need to think everything through with myself, again my internal problem. eventually i will come back to you, friends, but not yet. i cant hide things, i usually say it to at least one person, but usually not everything all at once (because i have bad memory... even with my own thoughts) i would have to write it down or think really long (thats why i write in my journal/diary)
but ok, i think this is good enough for now as to why i am taking a break ish.
starting May 31st, 2009, i will not pick up calls from anyone until i am ready to face life & it's wonderful things it consist other than my lame internal problems. PLEASE just leave me a message or email me or whatever, who knows you could be the one that could change me and bring me back to life faster...
ǝɯıʇ pǝǝu ʇsnɾ ı 'ǝɯ ǝʌıƃɹoɟ ǝsɐǝld ¡noʎ ǝʌol ı
many things going through my mind so many that my thoughts are disoriented. they are flying everywhere, bumping to one another, making it hard for me to have a clear & concise ideal/mind/conscious, consistent is the other C, but i think consistence is not a problem that i have right now.
it is hard for me to say no, to be "away" from the people i love, and to speak what is on my mind. blogging is an interesting way; it is like writing in my diary/journey, but with people reading it, i hope. i know not everyone would go and search for this, and i dont expect that, but i will let some know that i have one, so they know what is on my mind since i just deactivated my facebook. i know that will be the only way for me to temporarily quit facebook until i'm ready to go back into the lame world.
why am i doing this you might say... it wasn't because i had no one to hang out with that night, i'm not even sure what the reason is... i know i dont have much friends, more like acquaintances, there are only a couple of people that i would go crazy if they weren't in my life. & i know that it would be the same for the rest of my life. like i said, it is hard for me to let go...
but as of right now, i'm letting go. i'm done with being there for people, listening to them, trying my best to give them advice or more like stupid opinions in which they never seem to listen to which makes me think that i have no voice or should i say i play no part in their lives. what's the point of me being there?
i know i can be nice, but just once, i want to be mean. there are times when i can say mean things, but it wasnt from the heart, it was frustration/irritation/confusion/etc... mean things are never from the heart. gay & lame things are. once in awhile, it would be nice to get some feedback. if you know what i mean....
sometimes, things can never be the way it used to be. but it can if we make it happen. just letting it be is not enough. but it doesnt matter, as long as we are all happy.
one more thing i would like to say... i hate being the third wheel. in the past a lot of bad things happened. friendships didnt go too well, heartbroken & hurtful things broke out. i cant help it but to stay away. so dont be surprised. it's not your problem, it is my problem. i just need to learn how to deal with it first. (the fact that my friends are growing up and being in a relationship with someone & moving on with their lives!)
well, that is that. i need to learn how to forgive myself first before i can move on. Again, none of this is the fault of my friends. it's just me & my internal problems... like bottling up my feelings and exploding it all at once. which i think this is it. BUT this explosion is still internally. with me taking a break from the friends, it is hard for me to express everything, but it is ok because i need to think everything through with myself, again my internal problem. eventually i will come back to you, friends, but not yet. i cant hide things, i usually say it to at least one person, but usually not everything all at once (because i have bad memory... even with my own thoughts) i would have to write it down or think really long (thats why i write in my journal/diary)
but ok, i think this is good enough for now as to why i am taking a break ish.
starting May 31st, 2009, i will not pick up calls from anyone until i am ready to face life & it's wonderful things it consist other than my lame internal problems. PLEASE just leave me a message or email me or whatever, who knows you could be the one that could change me and bring me back to life faster...
ǝɯıʇ pǝǝu ʇsnɾ ı 'ǝɯ ǝʌıƃɹoɟ ǝsɐǝld ¡noʎ ǝʌol ı
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