The Human Heart

Just had a creeper/stalker moment....

so. i just added one of my "old friend".... from elementary+middle school. then i went to his page and i was like HEY! more people i know from elementary+middle school... they look so different now. haha. i dont want to add them though... i havent talk to them since middle school! it would be weird. hhaha.

anywho. i've made no progress on the book! ok no more fb and such for now. gonna go read!


PS - You can't judge a book by its cover! nor a person. what you see might not be the truth. In a way, we will never know the truth... a person can LIE about anything! What you hear & see could be completely false. Isn't that scary? I have more to say about this... but i'll leave it for later so i can move on with my reading.

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER [a satire]

My Plan for the next few days...

I've come to a conclusion and found a solution for my last post... I'm gonna finish this book that i borrowed months and months ago.... and return it to "them." That would be my excuse to talk to them since I'm too scared to call them up... Chicken much? haha

So, I've been thinking for the whole day. I'm lucky. To be me. And I'm actually pretty content about it. I feel sorry for other people. who tries too hard. cares too much about what other people think. I mean I care about what others think too, but not to THAT extent, where I forget who I am and become another person. I'm basically me. If you don't like me, I can't help it. I'm sorry. I don't think I've ever act... different than just being me (Though, there are phases of me -emo, happy, angry, vexed, frustrated, etc...) *sigh* I could be wrong though (from a different point of view...)

But I'm sick of liars. Don't talk to me if you're gonna lie. People these days... are a mess. But who am i to judge? I'm a mess myself. Again, who put ourselves in this mess? It is our own self. We can't blame others for our mistakes/faults. So take it like a man and suck it up. Not saying, we can't vent or share our problems, but if it consistently happens, there's something wrong with the picture. This is when things are out of hand and something's gotta be done other than complaining about it. Think about it. Don't be stupid and be a fool. Oh boy, I feel great now. Just great. BTW, this is me talking to myself. This has no fingers pointing at anyone, but myself.

I just realized something, I've lost contact with my old friends! Haha I thought going to different schools was the reason, but summer is ending now and still I haven't talked to them. I guess long distance relationship is really hard to maintain. Then again, no effort from me. or them. What can i do? School is starting again and there's nothing to do but to move on and make new friends. This is true, but to me, friends will always be friends. I dont forget them, they're just not "here" right now. Remember now, I'm a keeper. Most things will always stay with me.

The point of this post. I have no idea. Oh, it was to tell you about the solution I've come up with to talk to "them." & my feelings on... me.

So my goal is to finish the book by... MONDAY! and talk to them... sometime next week! wish me luck. (i'm excited)

Nearing the end of summer.

I must say, this summer has been the best summer yet. Out of all my summers, this one would be the most memorable. I've done things that I have never done in my life! It's crazy. I've met a lot of people too. I don't even remember most of their names, but I'll remember some faces and maybe need a little bit of a reminder to refresh my memory.

I had a lot of freedom while my mother was gone. That time period has got to be "THE TIME." I did a lot of things. I didn't hang out with my friends though, maybe once or twice for a whole month, but not too often. What did I do? Had some intimate bonding and reflection time w/ myself and one other person. They helped me realized that there's more to life than what I think it was. That I can be myself and be loved. And the best part, trying to pick things out of me for all the right reasons. Somehow they know I keep things to myself and they made me feel less tense about things: "Whenever you're ready to talk. It can be whenever and it doesn't have to be me... It's better to spill it out then to keep it bottled inside." I'm grateful to have them come in my life. Though, I am pretty sad lately. I haven't seen nor talked to them since my California trip. No, there was one time after that, but we didn't talk much, just a "Hi" that was directed to me then I was kind of busy to talk more since I was at work and they were on the phone. We haven't talked since. Did I do something wrong? I'm too scared to call & I don't want to text because they hate texting. *sigh* what to do!?! I don't know. This has been killing me ever since. I tried keeping myself occupy with things to do, but lately a lot has popped up reminding me of them. It's crazy. I know I'm crazy. *sigh* This is bad.

I'm glad my friends are around, especially my two best friends, even though one is not always here, but is, in a way & the other has problems of their own. I feel like both really do care for me, each of them with total opposite personalities play a different role in my life. I want them to know that I love them very much and I'll always be there, I hope no matter what, but for sure I will in spirit if I really can't make it there. I know we might have had some misunderstandings and whatnot along the way, but it was only to build this awesome relationship... stronger. I hope you guys feel the same way. Otherwise, I'm a fool for saying all this. I have a feeling that one of you or maybe even both would say that you hate me for not telling you things, mostly about my feelings/my thoughts. It's hard you know? For me to complain to people because I don't want people to worry about me. But for sure I still make you guys worry in a way somehow. I like listening to others more than vice versa. Just say that's me being selfish. As you guys can see from the last couple of sentences from the last paragraph... sharing my feelings is one of my problems. I guess I just need more time...

As for the rest of you guys, new friends & old friends, everyone, I, thank you all. You might have inspired me, taught me things, made me see truth in things, etc... whatever it is/was, it could have changed my life or the way I'm living. I believe that you meet people for a reason. That reason could be good, bad, or even both. It could last forever, a month, or even a day. But overall, it's a step forward... a future... (oh geez, i have no idea where i'm taking this. I'm going to stop here haha)

This was supposed to be about my summer. I dont know how it ended up being about friends... I guess I'm trying to let my thoughts take me away when I write. I think it's better this way. But yes, back to my summer (a little quicker version). There's been high points and low points. High points: Cali, Seattle, Corvallis (even though it was deserted... it was nice), Church Camp (not LaVang's), hanging out w/ friends - movies, eat, etc... Low points: sitting at home watching dramas, anime, and playing games & being on facebook all day! Basically, being at home is my low point. And there has been a lot of LOW POINTS lately. Since summer is just summer - time to relax. I guess I can't hang out ALL the time. Plus, the laziness to plan or go out is in my blood. And don't really know who to hang out with since I don't want to hang out with the same people and make them go BROKE!!! haha. BUT the real reason is... DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO... *sigh* That's always the problem... which is sad.

Anyways, school is on its way. about 22 more days really to be freee. I want summer to end good. But we will see.... sorry for all the emo-ness and the bad typos/grammar. It's pretty late /early!

NOTE TO SELF: Live for the future. no reminiscing on the past. At any second, life can be taken away. don't waste that second on something that can't be changed now.

A [Peak] at the Past....

So today someone mentioned something about my past. it was the past!
... and it was one of the most painful ones.

the thing about me is i like to forget (and in a way, i do forget easily w/ my bad memory that comes in handy sometimes), but no matter what happens, the past will come up eventually...only a matter of time. Again, this wouldn't happened if i didnt tell certain people. Luckily, they arent nosy nosy people haha or else the whole world would know.

So after a relationship (friend, boy/girl, etc...) whether it was a hard break up or it was just confusing and you didnt know what you did wrong or when it involves the "C" word... "cheating," there's gonna be that pain, hurt, anger, jealousy, etc... feeling. It does not feel good, at all.

sometimes the pain is unendurable. what could be done? there might be other ways, but i slept. ate a lot. got depressed. didn't reallly talk to anyone. BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR A WEEK! after that, the painful memories were gone. i see it as if it was completely erased from my memories. i dont want to think about it anymore in the future. I mean, nothing could've been done. so there's no use of being sad/depress for so long. a week was pretty long for me. since it was nothing. nothing. nothing at all. therefore, when i talk about my past, this part doesnt apply in my life.

so to make this clear: I never went out. nothing happened. i hate cheaters/two-timers. & unclear relationships - like with Summer+Tom from (500) days of summer.

I know this is vague. But if you knew about this, then i think you know what i'm trying to say. Hopefully, this topic wont come up again.