32 ʎɐp

wow a whole month of summer has gone by! fast, yet slow!
many things going through my mind so many that my thoughts are disoriented. they are flying everywhere, bumping to one another, making it hard for me to have a clear & concise ideal/mind/conscious, consistent is the other C, but i think consistence is not a problem that i have right now.
it is hard for me to say no, to be "away" from the people i love, and to speak what is on my mind. blogging is an interesting way; it is like writing in my diary/journey, but with people reading it, i hope. i know not everyone would go and search for this, and i dont expect that, but i will let some know that i have one, so they know what is on my mind since i just deactivated my facebook. i know that will be the only way for me to temporarily quit facebook until i'm ready to go back into the lame world.
why am i doing this you might say... it wasn't because i had no one to hang out with that night, i'm not even sure what the reason is... i know i dont have much friends, more like acquaintances, there are only a couple of people that i would go crazy if they weren't in my life. & i know that it would be the same for the rest of my life. like i said, it is hard for me to let go...
but as of right now, i'm letting go. i'm done with being there for people, listening to them, trying my best to give them advice or more like stupid opinions in which they never seem to listen to which makes me think that i have no voice or should i say i play no part in their lives. what's the point of me being there?
i know i can be nice, but just once, i want to be mean. there are times when i can say mean things, but it wasnt from the heart, it was frustration/irritation/confusion/etc... mean things are never from the heart. gay & lame things are. once in awhile, it would be nice to get some feedback. if you know what i mean....
sometimes, things can never be the way it used to be. but it can if we make it happen. just letting it be is not enough. but it doesnt matter, as long as we are all happy.
one more thing i would like to say... i hate being the third wheel. in the past a lot of bad things happened. friendships didnt go too well, heartbroken & hurtful things broke out. i cant help it but to stay away. so dont be surprised. it's not your problem, it is my problem. i just need to learn how to deal with it first. (the fact that my friends are growing up and being in a relationship with someone & moving on with their lives!)
well, that is that. i need to learn how to forgive myself first before i can move on. Again, none of this is the fault of my friends. it's just me & my internal problems... like bottling up my feelings and exploding it all at once. which i think this is it. BUT this explosion is still internally. with me taking a break from the friends, it is hard for me to express everything, but it is ok because i need to think everything through with myself, again my internal problem. eventually i will come back to you, friends, but not yet. i cant hide things, i usually say it to at least one person, but usually not everything all at once (because i have bad memory... even with my own thoughts) i would have to write it down or think really long (thats why i write in my journal/diary)
but ok, i think this is good enough for now as to why i am taking a break ish.

starting May 31st, 2009, i will not pick up calls from anyone until i am ready to face life & it's wonderful things it consist other than my lame internal problems. PLEASE just leave me a message or email me or whatever, who knows you could be the one that could change me and bring me back to life faster...

ǝɯıʇ pǝǝu ʇsnɾ ı 'ǝɯ ǝʌıƃɹoɟ ǝsɐǝld ¡noʎ ǝʌol ı